Saruman Builds a Shed
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Saruman is homeless and horny and decides to build a shed near Hobbiton. He wants someone to keep him company but gets diarrhea.


After the destruction of Orthanc by ents (that's at the end of the second film) Saruman found himself homeless. He wandered around Middle Earth with only a hobo-sack on a stick as his friend. The sack contained his polish for the palantir (even though he'd lost it), one shoe and some potatoes. He went to Edoras and asked if they needed a leader but Éomer said no, kicked him down the stairs like had happened to Gríma Wormtongue, and then ran him out of town whilst riding a horse nude. He went to Minas Tirith and asked if they needed an all powerful ruler, but he was so disgusted by Denethor's eating habits with tomatoes that he left. He went to Rivendell to ask if they needed a governor but he was chased away by an invisible army of things. He went to Angmar and asked if they needed a God to worship but the Witch-King was too scary and Saruman crapped himself when he was headbutted by the Witch-King's war helmet.

"Where needs a ruler? My talents are crap at everything else! I have to find someplace where people are stupid enough to let me walk all over them..." Thought Saruman. He then went to the Shire and found Hobbiton. But Saruman could not find a house to live in because the rooves were all too low and he kept bashing his head on things. He also want welcome in town because he still strank of shit from his journey to Angmar. It was stuck to him too because wizards are not allowed to take a bath or they'll DIE! There was only one thing for it, Saruman had to gather some wood and build a shed in the Old Forest. This was hard as he kept getting attacked by trees and one of them broke his wizard staff so he had to build without the help of magic which was hard because Saruman is, like 99 years old and had never done DIY in his life. He had to catch his own food too because he was living the rustic life now like people do in Alaska. He caught some bad rabbits and felt his stomach start to go all funny. He knew he would have to build a toilet too or he would shit all over Hobbiton.

There was nothing for it, his shed would also have to work as a toilet because Saruman was too old and weak to build two sheds. When the shed was built Saruman put a throne in it which also doubled as the shitter. Nobody realised that he was always pooping at the same time as talking to them because his long and shitty robes covered this. He also changed his name to Old Sharkey because he was getting dementia and had gone a bit stupid as the events of the Two Towers had given him severe PTSD. Lots of people started calling him Old Shittey instead because he was covered in crap and had constant diarrhea from all the infected rabbits he'd been eating. This stood out very strongly against Saruman's very white robes which are now brown with dysentry feces and mucus from the bowels.

Saruman was lonely in his shack though and wanted some company or just someone to have sex with. He missed Gríma because the two used to fuck and Gríma knew some amazing moves in bed such as the slimy worm-tongue move which never failed to get Saruman to cum. Gríma wasn't Saruman's bitch anymore because he was dead and maggots had gotten into him so Saruman needed a new bumboy. He was sick of jacking off alone in his shed whilst pooping. So he advertised in the Hobbiton Times for someone to come and be his live-in cook, cleaner and sexer. Saruman hoped it would be answered soon as he was constipated and and needed some ass.

Soon after advertising his shed went on fire when Smaug flew over Hobbiton having sex with his dragon girlfriend. Now he was alone, horny, forgetful and shedless. He forgot that the shed was now in ruins and wandered about trying to find it. He found a new one and lived in that but had to poop in the corner as there was no built in toilet. Hobbiton's shed business went out of business because they could not evict the human wizard who had decided to live and shit in their only display piece. Saruman was still unhappy and waited to get some sex. He got diarrhea instead and it lasted for days giving Hobbit ShedWorld® a new brown paint job.

The end


End file.
